So I went to a different church tonight because our church had its Christmas Eve service on Sunday, and let me tell you, it made me WAY thankful for my church. Sometimes I forget just how non-traditional it is. The church I went to tonight wasn’t really even that traditional, but it felt like it after two plus years at Elston. I don’t think I could ever really worship at a church like that. It wasn’t horrible or anything; in fact, I’m sure their hearts were in the right places. I knew a lot of people there and their hearts. But I just couldn’t do it. I hope I can find a church that worships in the same way as Elston does (or at least close to it) in Texas. Anyway, I’m sleepy. Yay for Night.
Christmas Eve, it hardly seems possible. “They” weren’t lying when they said time only goes faster. This week seems like it’s going fast and slow at the same time. The days seem long, but looking back makes the days seem short. Eight days left. I haven’t really talked to God all week, either, it’s weird. I don’t know if He’s preparing my heart, breaking me like I asked, sitting in silence and watching what I do, no idea. I know He’s there; it’s probably more me than anything. I don’t know why. My mind is going a zillion miles; my stomach is in knots. I’m going through motions. I knew this would happen, though; Kirsten even told me this would happen. It’ll get better. I need to go through it. I think I might go to ECC’s candlelight service tonight since we aren’t having anything at our church. Anyway, I’ll be going now.
Times like these, all I can do is close my eyes. Close them tight and know that as long as I trust with what little faith I posses He will take it all away. Earthly things don’t matter; they just fade and shatter. It’s just so easy to become focused on all the clutter even though I try so hard not to. It’s so easy to believe all the lies they tell me, but I won’t…
We wont be satisfied with anything ordinary, we wont be satisfied at all. We don’t want blessings; we want You… we don’t want anything but You…
So I finally got my flip. I’m pretty happy. Since it’s dark outside and inside, there isn’t much to record. However, I did record a song I wrote this summer. It’s one of my favorites. I’m not an amazing singer; I’m way more into the lyrics. But anyway, here it is.
PS. You can’t see my head because I’m a retard. But I didn’t have time to redo it.
PPS. The video looks WAY better on the camera’s screen and my computer, but uploading it to youtube doesn’t do it much glory… Hopefully the TV hookup will also be better. Either way, considering how ultra portable, easy to use, and cheap it was, it’s quite lovely.
PPS. If you add” &fmt=18″ to the end of any URL on Youtube it makes the quality a lot better. I just did that to the link below.
1. I really, really love Silk Chocolate Soy Milk, and I don’t know why.
2. I’ve never been kissed or had a boyfriend, and I don’t feel the least bit ashamed. I’m all about waiting, and I’d just assume save my first kiss at least until I’m engaged. And I would love to be married within close to four years.. or at least in a relationship headed that direction.
3. My youth pastors have been more of my parents in the last two years than my parents ever have been.
4. I don’t think I necessarily made the best of highschool. Although I didn’t feel like I fit in a ton (and part of that was just me dealing with so much outside of school) I still could’ve actively been involved in something. But I always felt so awkward about it, and like no one really wanted me there. I needed someone to crack my shell, and no one wanted to do it.
5. I can’t believe I’m going to the Honor Academy in just under two weeks. I can’t believe God has taken me from point “A” to point “B”. I’m going, and I will finish this internship because part of following Him is, well, following Him.
6. I blame my mom way more for my childhood (or lack-there-of) than my father or anyone else in my family when really, they’re all to blame. But I’m mostly over it at this point.
7. Up until just a month or two ago I wouldn’t show love to my little sister because I felt like that was somehow showing love to my mother, and I wasn’t about to do that.
8. I actually feel like I’m a very creative person, but barely anyone sees that side of me. I write songs (I have enough for a few CDs) and poetry. I like to draw, and I’m really good at improv (as long as it isn’t in a school setting). I even like sewing, baking, all things cosmetology, and I have a good photographic eye.
9. I feel weird doing a lot of girly things.
10. Someday, I would really love to own a few horses.
11. I’m scared I’ll fail at college.
12. I don’t like hellos or goodbyes very well. They’re just so awkward….
13. I’ll barely ever say “I love you” because I’ve been told it so many empty times, but I like to show people I love them by doing stuff for them. If I do tell you, though, you better believe I mean it as much as someone can mean it, and you better know it was difficult for me to tell you.
14. I love to serve people (not like wait on them necessarily but do little things for them, help their days run smoother, bend over backwards to make them comfortable, and do unexpected tasks that brighten their days), and I don’t want or need a lot of recognition. Just knowing it calmed their mind or lessened their stress is enough for me.
15. I don’t like having useless stuff around. Chances are, if it doesn’t get used in roughly a year’s time, it’s gone. I’m also not sentimental about material items. I have the memories in my heart that will last forever; I don’t need an object to remind me of that or to “keep” my memory.
16. Even though I don’t touch people a lot or initiate hugs, I love hugs, and I love to cuddle. I’m just waiting until I’m married to really initiate those things.
Today has been a good one. I went to lunch with my aunt and my grandma. We had a really nice time. And then we had a Christmas dinner thing at my mother’s. And I got some awesome adult footy-pajamas! My brother and his girlfriend got them for me. They have monkey feet and a monkey zipper and they’re red with brown accents : ) So awesome. I thought about wearing them to church tomorrow, but I’m not so sure how that would go. They also got me a new pair of monkey slippers (because one of my other ones has a hole in it) and a new monkey. I get a monkey for every occasion – at least since Tammy has been in the picture – so I probably have close to 15 at this point. The plan is to have a monkey bathroom at some point. Yes, I am a dork. I’ll post a picture of me in the PJs as soon as I charge my camera battery, which could be a few days…
Anyway, my room is such a mess right now. I’ve been sorting through stuff since I leave in about a week and a half. So, I’m going to go clean it. It’s probably going to take hours. At least I have a little Jeremy Camp to keep me company : ) Goodnight everyone.
I feel kind of like a Jew. No – I do not mean that in any derogatory manner. But in the old testament, the Jews wandered around lost in the wilderness for fourty years. They were given countless chances, they would come to God, repent, be okay for a while, forget, do their thing, God would cast judgment, then they would repent and start the cycle again and again. I’ve been in that cycle for oh, a couple weeks. Oppsy.
Tonight, I got to talk to a cool girl named Raven who will be arriving at Teen Mania with me. This means I kind of have a friend already : ) How cool. We talked for almost two hours. And we seem to both be in about the same spot in our lives. Yayness! And Lindsay and I found a blazer that works today… hopefully my skirt will work? Well, it’s midnight, and I still have a few paragraphs left in my paper, some reading to do, and a shower to take. Night guys!
And then she went and told me thankyou for inviting her to church last night… I don’t know what to make of that. Maybe she’s kind of sincere; it’s just taking her a long time to grow up. Gosh I’m melodramatic in my head sometimes. Lo siento mis amores.
When is a person truly a person? When are they responsible for their actions? When are the parents the parents? And when can the kids just kids?
People don’t see how she is. People can’t tell when they first meet her or even during the many subsequent meetings. Sure she’s gotten better; she couldn’t have gotten much worse. And now I’m being a cynic about this. I just detest that she calls and expects me to drop everything and give her what I “owe” her. And she’s persistant and makes me feel guilty about it if I don’t do it or makes me feel like I HAVE to do it. Tonight: “Hey, you need to come pick me and Shelbi up. We’re at the KFC on 52 west.” Ummm… okay. Fifty-two west? This weather? No please? No question, even? Me: “May I ask Why?” Her: “My van won’t start. Kenny’s towing it.” Okay, then why can’t Kenny give you a ride? He met you over there, and you came so he could see Shelbi. I wouldn’t care as much if this wasn’t an every-other day occurrence or even if she was somewhat appreciative of what we do for her. Last week: “Hey. I need my meds. I’m hurting really bad. They’re at the 350 Walmart, and they’re 50.” So, I drop what I’m doing and pay for her medicine. Then, I take it to her house which is in the opposite direction of anywhere I’m going, in the frigid, and I do it all in a mostly cheery way. And then I find out I won’t be getting reimbursed. She has such a hold on me still. I don’t know the line between being good to her and being taken advantage of. She acts like the world owes her everything. There’s no real sense of reality floating in that space her mind should occupy. I’m so sick of being her mommy, her security blanket. I know I am to be Jesus with skin on for her. I know that He would treat her respectfully and with love, but am I justifying her repetitive carelessness? Does He really want me to have this cheese-grater-in-stomach feeling every-other time this happens? Somehow, I don’t think so. I think I may very well be being taken advantage of. But I don’t know what to do. I want to change my number and move to a cozy hole nearby and chill with Papa, but that would be the easy way out…
To top this awesomeness off, I’m seeing everyone this week in their lives without me. I can see them going on and being okay and not caring. And I know that’s how it should be, but can’t they wait until I leave? Especially the ones I love the most?
I want to go somewhere without any expectations. Where no one expects me to be more than I am or do more than I should. Just for a day. One day…
Sorry for all this depressingness the last few posts. I’ll make it happy next time.
So many things I’ve wanted to say, so many chances I’ll never get back. Should I say them now or hold back?
To Jordan: I don’t understand why, after everything, you don’t seem to credit me at all. Obviously, it doesn’t really matter. I’d do the things I do for you for nothing; I just don’t understand. Why do you care about them more? Maybe I just always thought of it differently…
To ****: I really, REALLY like you. A lot. You’re such a great guy, and I love that you love God. I haven’t let it show, though, because I know what that would do at this point. I wonder if God will pair us together? Or maybe it’s just me…
To my mother: I hate the way you make me feel. The guilt trips you pull on me that work. The way you still don’t seem to fess up to anything, feel guilty about anything, or appreciate anything.
To my father and my mother: Can’t you see what you do to yourself? You’ve been building walls and running your whole life. When will you finally decided to let someone in, for real.
To Sara: I’m so sorry for not being more open to you. I’m sorry this family wasn’t what you expected. I’m sorry for the lonliness.
To Justin: You don’t have to try and be better than mom or your dad were. If you live your life with that as your goal, you’ll miss the point, and you wont be able to love Tammy or J with all you can. You’re a good guy. I like who you’ve become.
To all the people who deal with me: I’m sorry for being such a screwed up person. I know I’m a mess sometimes, but I also know [now, anyway] that Papa God sees me as a beautiful mess – a fractal, something of value, something strangely beautiful. Sorry for being such a girl lately. I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. It’s all happening at once.
To myself: It’s okay to live. You were created to love and be loved. Stop hindering yourself. Be happy with the things of beauty you own that the world does not necessarily view as beautiful. Don’t let your parent’s mistakes possess your views on parenthood, childhood. Take a chance. Do the things you’re afraid to do. God did not instill a fear within you; the world has made you fear. Come back to the place of forgiveness and grace. Be a quiet kind of bold. Don’t live in the past or the future; Be content in the present because it is beautiful, and it is fleeting. Find a career that allows you to serve others because serving others is what you love to do. Let your heart and talents shine through because they do more than you know. Always walk with Papa; He is awesome, and He is the way.
