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I don’t even know how long it’s been since I’ve posted on here. Let me just say, God is so amazing. I’m seriously falling in love with Him. The last three weeks have been a huge challenge. Everything constant was revoked; everything changed. I feel like I’ve been here for way longer than I have. Afterall, it only takes three weeks to form a habit.
I didn’t pass the test to go on the mountain this weekend. The thing is, I completely should have. But now I know why I didn’t. The last few days I’ve been praying a lot about removing this thing in me that was holding me back (notice I said was… ). I kept thinking and thinking I had gotten everything out and forgave my parents for everything, but the way I thought about them sometimes was NOT good at all. So, I’ve been fasting since Thursday at noon and plan to until Sunday at noon, and I’ve been spending meal times exclusively with God. And this morning I wrote out a long, long list (I’m venturing to say it’s a solid 3 pages typed) of all the things I’ve ever hated my parents for. I knew there were a lot, but I didn’t know there were THAT many. I’s amazing what we can carry in our hearts for so long and not even know it. I had planned on burning it, but after talking to my friend Kayla, I’ve decided to keep it, for now. I’m going to go through every single thing on the list and prayerfully redeem it-making sure it’s gone from my heart. This doesn’t mean I won’t still occasionally have some of the feelings I once had, but it does mean that I am choosing to walk in truth – even in these areas of my life. It means I no longer carry this burden; Jesus does, and He always has. I just never gave it over. I feel so light already. I can’t wait until the whole list is prayed through.
I know I sort of live in a bubble right now, but for a year of my life, this bubble is just perfect. It’s iron sharpening iron; it’s learning lessons in love; it’s reaching out and building others up. I’m starting to really like it, challenges and all.
It feels like I haven’t been on here in forever. I think it’s just because it’s been a long week and a half. This past weekend, it was good to get out and be with people. I had a “breakdown” on Saturday night (by breakdown, I mean I cried and was forced to talk by two lovely girls, and ultimately I am more broken for my buddy Jesus). It was a good thing, though. Sunday we went to a semi-ridiculous church called the Vineyard. We joked about it being the church of coffee becuase their slogan was “There’s room for you and your coffee”; we took a coffee break during an already short service. I won’t say it was bad; it may be the only way some people meet Jesus, but we will continue looking for another church.
It’s still cold here, but it’s absolutely gorgeous out. Abbey and I slept in since there wasn’t any corporate this morning (thank God!), and we missed breakfast. So, we’re at a coffee shop called Mercy Ships. I must say, top three coffee shops ever. It has a great atmosphere, it’s yummy, and it’s cheap. A breakfast sandwhich and a 20 ounce raspberry, strawberry, vanilla iced tea for $2.97. Oh, and it’s way close to campus.
Anyway, I’m going to finish my quiet time now. With love–
This has been one of the hardest weeks of my life. Since Sunday morning at 5AM we’ve been booked from 5AM to 10:30PM every day except today. We’ve gotten up and had corporate exercise together (which isn’t as horrible as it sounds, but it’s still tough). We’ve had session after session about the committments we’re making, rules, HA history, and important life lessons. We’ve had team building activities and personality tests; interviews and skills tests. We’ve had some fun, too. But mostly, it’s been tough. I also got moved from my gauntlet core. I really liked them, a lot. I know God knows what He’s doing here, and at least there’s one girl in my core (and room) who’s a lot like me, but I still miss the girls I’ve already made close bonds with, despite hiding in my hole the first two days (somewhat).
I’ve already learned a few big lessons while I’m here. One is summed up with this: Phil 4:6-7 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. [7] If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” *Just remember that God knows the desires of your heart far better than we do. Fully trust Him with those desires…He will not disappoint you! 
And the other is choosing to walk in freedom. Today’s been slighty harder because I had an uprootle (it’s a word now…), and I’m dealing with some other symptoms, but the last few days I have woken up and chosen to walk in freedom. It makes such a difference in my life, and I feel free and peaceful. I still don’t know how I feel about here, not that it matters because I stood up last night and made the committment with all the other Januaries at the committment banquet. It’s getting better. We find out ministry placements on Monday. I’ll be sending out a mass email either Monday night or Tuesday sometime to let everyone know what’s going on and my address and all that jazz. For now, I’m going to shower and get ready to head to bed. We have church tomorrow; I’m going to a place called the Vineyard in Tyler. Apparently Eisley is the worship band there…. I’ve heard good thigs. I’m even going with three other people; maybe I’m starting to leave my box already…. maybe. Alrighty, goodnight.
Wow, I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday. This week has felt like one long day. We’ve been booked pretty solid since Sunday morning, and it continues today. I’m eating breakfast now, so I have a few minutes; after this, though, not so much.
The last few days have brought a stripping of every single comfort I have grown to know and cling to in the last 2 years. I think I’ve cried more this week than last year. I’m learning to stop seeking immediate vision for my life and just be where I am. I’m trying to not isolate myself so much. Last night, I just wanted to turn around and run out of the auditorium during worship because God was kind of telling me how it is, but I didn’t leave. I stayed. During corporate excercise this morning I tripped and fell in a pothole while running, and I could’ve totally given up, but I didn’t. Corporate isn’t icing, but it’s really a great thing. I may not always enjoy it; it’s probably not going to be easy, but I find myself surprisingly looking forward to worshipping God and making my flesh a slave to me. It’s also pretty cool running in a huge group like that. Sure, we’re running a few miles (some of them more), but everyone’s doing it together; everyone speaks encouragement over one another, and everyone is feeling it.
Another cool thing about here is how the men treat the women. I’ve been greated like this: “Hello beautiful woman of God.” on more than one occasion. And the guys go out of their way to open doors for us and speak uplifting words over us. The girls do the same (words of encouragement, not opening doors) for the guys. I love being in this place where men and women respect their differences, respect God’s call on our lives, and treat us like we’re supposed to be treated. And I like that the girls don’t try to make the guys stumble; we are brothers and sisters while we are here.
Anyway, that’s basically all I have time for for now. We have 5 or 6 sessions and some skills testing today. Woot woot! Godspeed everyone : )
The last day and a half has felt like the longest day of my life. It’s like one long, continuous day. I’m still lost in thought and what to think. I know this is where I’m called to be. Everything has lead to here; this is my narrow path to follow. But I think my biggest challenge is going to be living in reckless abandon for Jesus and truely letting Him in without fear. By the end of this year not only do I want to impact those around me in this generation and world; I want to learn to show my heart, my feelings, and my passions to others. I want to be shown a vision for my life. I want to open myself up to the world around me, and be able to go up to people and freely talk with them with all the love, genuinity, and excitement they need. I want to walk so close to God that I walk in a joy that can be seen in every single move I make. And that is my prayer this year. It’s going to be hard; it already is kind of hard and will continue to be hard, especially the rest of this week and month, but my God is big; He is powerful; He will set me free from my fear of man and my fear of myself. I’ll give everyone a real update on Friday or Saturday with a lot more info about the HA, how it works, and how I (and others) are handling it. But I’m just going to let it sink in until then. With love–
We made it to Texas today, and boy has it been a long one. Yesterday morning we left right at 6 AM. The roads were perfect; it felt like no one else was driving. We stayed with Jeremy’s parent’s in White Hall, Arkansas. Oh, and I totally had a cry fest. It was… it was.
And today we made it to Tehaus. The weather is so wonderful! It was 75 and sunny today with a light breeze. It was only 35 in Indiana. Kirsten and I drove A LOT today. We drove around the few small (and large) towns near here that I’ll need to know about to “survive”. I’m glad to say I kind of know my way around now. I’m at least comfortable enough to go to Walmart, church, get gas, the mall, movies, the bookstore, and to go get food.
It really has been a great day, though. The weather was very uplifting, so much so that I feel like I could almost live here. I still cried tonight, but I have a feeling that’s going to go on all week considering everything. It needs to happen. Sometimes words just don’t cut it.
I’m super wiped. I’m going to crash and get my last full night of sleep for probably the next week. I don’t know when I’ll be back, but I’m guessing it’s going to be close to a week before things slow down enough for me to be on a consistent writing schedule. Anyway, goodnight, loves : )
… the last post from Indiana. This is real. This is where it all begins. Welcome to forever. We roll out in T-minus 7 hours and some change that is yet to be determined AKA 6 AM. It’s been a good day; it’s gone so quickly, though. I woke up and finished the book I was supposed to read to go, hung out here, and got to see many friends. I even have an amazing rendition of a favorite Christmas song on video. Actually, here it is…
Anyway, I will leave you all with a verse I recieved in a card today. And I’ll post as soon as I can. Farewell for now. Godspeed!
“For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
Today, it’s hitting me. For the past countless months, I have been living like the friend of the one going away. I have gotten all of her paperwork in order, told her friends and family, lined up/been informed of almost all of her fundraising, read the books and information she’s needed to read, and gotten all of her supplies in order and packed well. But now, today, that girl and I are finally switching roles. It is no longer her that is going but me; it is no longer her that will be in the known unknown of God, for it is me. I am her. We are the same. I feel I must be crazed; this is so much out of my comfort zone. But before it was just her, so I could deal with not thinking about it too much. Now it’s just so real and tangible. I can see it. The past and future coming together to form the present. And the present is only a few days away. Here I come, Oh Lord; I will follow You all of my days….
I didn’t really plan on posting again until I left, but I got some awesome news today. Yesterday $500 was turned in for me at church! This puts me at $6900, counting monthly sponsors, which means I only need $900 to have my internship completely paid for!!! If that isn’t a huge testament or a big sign that I’m definitely following God’s heart in this, I don’t know what is. Wow oh wow does my God love me. He really will take care of it all if I let Him.
Okay, I still need to finish reading a book and take care of a few small details. Oh and of course send a little love to my Papa. Have a great one guys!
Time has passed so quickly. It’s six in the evening on Sunday, December 28 – just three and a half days until we leave. It’s weird knowing what will happen in the next few weeks and how drastically different my life will be. It’s weird that I will be 15 hours from here pushing myself and being a slave for Jesus.
Christmas was pretty good. I mean, it was normal; we saw people. Actually, my grandpa and [almost] step brother had a humorous encounter. I would post it except my flip is packed somewhere in my car, along with everything else that miraculously fit. The only things that didn’t were my hangers and my guitar which someone GENEROUSLY offered to ship (free) to me in Texas. Thank you so much if you’re reading! I know I thanked you before, but if you wouldn’t have done this, Kirsten and her stuff wouldn’t have fit or I wouldn’t have been able to take my guitar with me. And given how much I love to write, this would really bum me out. God is cool like that.
Another cool thing is that at this point I only have $1400 not accounted for. That’s crazy awesome. I’ll need that money at sort of a weird time, but it’s still cool that I won’t have to really worry about finances. I’ll still have to be wise with money; I just won’t have to live with that fear.
I probably won’t post again before I leave. I’ve been praying a lot the last few days, and I’ve been almost distracted by something, but I don’t really know what that something is. I’m tired for some reason (probably from staying up until four AM on Saturday morning playing ridiculous DDR with Tiffany), and I just don’t feel like talking a lot. I still hardly believe I’m going, but I know I am, and I know it’s going to be awesome in the end. Anyway, I’m going to go spend some quality time with Jeremy and Kirsten and hopefully with some others in the next few days before I leave.
PS I don’t know how much interent access I’ll have in the next week and a half. Regaurdless, I’ll probably journal on my computer and post those as one post with dated sections from the time I’m absent. Thanks eveyone for supporting me with all your prayers, kind hearts, and love… oh, and finaces, too.
In His precious name-
